Socrates
By all means marry. if you get a good wife you will become happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
Jean Kerr
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
Grouch Marx
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marie Corelli
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every mornig, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
Samuel Johnson
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
Cher
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him.
Robert Frost
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Helen Rowland
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said, after marriage he'll fall asleep before you have finished saying it.
Oscar Wilde
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.
No man should have a secret from his wife. She invariably finds it out .
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
George Bernard Shaw
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested in her he becomes.
Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her
George Nathan
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery.
Marion Smith
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
Ogden Nash
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Mae West
It's not the man in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
The Bible
Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.
Dorothy Parker
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.
Marcel Achard
Women like silent men, they think they are listening.
Jean Harlow
I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man.
Katherine Whitehorn
No nice men are good at getting taxis.
Catherine II of Russia
Men make love more intensely at 20, but make love better however, at 30.
Maryon Pearson
Behind every great man is a surprised woman.
Scottish Proverb
Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper.
Mickey Rooney
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Rita Rudner
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
H.L. Mencken
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
Joey Adams
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Anonymous
The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognised by the police.
A husband's last words should always be "OK buy it"
Nothing makes a good wife like a good husband.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Marriage requires a person to prepare 4 types of "Rings": Engagement Ring Wedding Ring, Suffering, Enduring
They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.
You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
The Definition of Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
May she share everything with her husband, including the housework.
Remember that if you ever put your marital problems on the back burner they are sure to boil over.
Happy marriages begin when we marry the one we love, and they blossom when we love the one we married.
My greatest wish for the two of you is that through the years your love for each other will so deepen and grow, that years from now you will look back on this day, your wedding day, as the day you loved each other the least.
It don't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home!
May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat some good food, and enjoy companionship.... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
When my wife and I go out together I always hold her hand. She think I'm being loving but really I'm afraid that if I let go, she'll go shopping.
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. "There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big," she said. "Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family," replied the husband.
Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, "Put these on." The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, "There's no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "you're darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!"
A young couple were married and then embarked on their honeymoon. When they returned, the bride ran to the phone and called her mother, who asked, "How was your honeymoon, dear?" "Oh, mama!" she replied, "The honeymoon was so wonderful and romantic..." But then, suddenly she burst out crying and said "but, mama, as soon as we returned home, he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"
"Darling, darling," her mother said, "calm down and tell me, what words could be so awful?" And, the daughter cried "please don't make me tell you, mama! I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! Just come and get me, please!"
"Oh, darling, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell me these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
If your wife is shouting at the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Below are some humourous quotes made by famous people on the subject of weddings and relationships.
Jokes & Sayings For The Best Man's Speech
Wedding Quotes